Monday, 29 June 2015
Hello darkness my old friend, I did not hear you over the sound of our child practicing her scales on the piano. You always arrive unannounced, just when I think I am protected,cocooned. I sink beneath a chant of plainsong and feel it will protect me. Or Tibetan isolation; prayer wheels spinning in my head, a rush of white noise, a roar, a talisman against your clawing, gnawing, never-letting-go thinking I will be untouchable there. But you find me and weave your fingers through the white noise closing your cold grip, insistent and serpentine. Can I ever be free?
I am transposed into another place, remembering the echo of raindrops on the drum of my umbrella, the syncopated beats of blood and hymns and prayers. I never heard an apology as I laid the Lily on your grave. There was no goodbye. The chaos of my apocalyptic cosmos consumed me, a noise like animals crying and cursing in anger. I yell my silent anger and fears to your inert form, maintaining social poise lest anyone should be made awkward by emotion. How could you leave me alone? Everyone is polite, caring, fearful, their kid glove love is like feather-touch: don't rock the boat. I am left to stand in the sound of my own silence.
Weeks have passed, months. And I remain at your mercy. I will carry on, put on the face the world wants to see but I know I will not hear a tree fall in the silence of the forest today, or see the infinity rings spread on the water as the children skip stones across the river. I will not hear the cave mouth swallow and hold its breath as we draw near or see new life sprouting from mossy banks. I am devoid of all but my grief.
Please, let me find a path. Let me breathe again.
The copyright of this post belongs to Holly Khan